8 Things A Guy’s Friends Know About A Girl After He’s Slept With Her...

1. Your grooming etiquette down under.
If it resembles the scalp of Screech from “Saved By The Bell” on a humid summer day after it rained, yeah, our boys will probably hear all about it in the morning.

2. Your s3xual prowess.
Essentially, after you have s3x with a guy, your s3xual capabilities will most certainly be judged – and graded in line with a Madden-styled rating rubric (out of a hundred).

If you really killed it, and I mean REALLY killed it, we’d probably relay to our boys that your s3x game was something like a 97. So, you’re basically the intercourse-equivalent of a, say, LeSean McCoy. That’s good, that’s real good.

3. How much money we spent on you.
If you didn’t pay for the cab(s), they’ll know. If you didn’t offer to pay for a round? They’ll know that too. Moral of the story?

If you appear to be cheaper than a Chanel bag on Canal Street, our boys will know that. It’s not because we think you’re a bad person – we’re just, ultimately, even cheaper – and keep tabs on this type of upper echelon bullsh*t.

4. How long the for3play was.
Not so much if it’s short, but if it starts becoming fiveplay and sixplay, it definitely enters the realms of discussion – solely out of curiosity for what ELSE you could have possibly been doing in bed together naked that doesn’t qualify as s3x.

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5. Your contraceptive affairs policy.
In an ideal world, condoms should always be worn (unless, of course, you’re trying to procreate). But for whatever reason, even on one-night things, guys will EXPECT not to use them, as if a “condom” is some alien concept to them, like, “A condom? What the heck is that contraption?”

So yeah, that’s included.

6. How many times you did, or didn’t, org@sm.
For many guys, getting a girl to org@sm is rarer than a patty of steak tartare with a golden ticket nestled underneath it. So if we can accomplish this once, let alone numerous times, it’s definitely the type of message that we like deliver to our boys with a trumpet-led-introduction.

Like, you’ll be at the bagel place with the squad and all of a sudden – BRM BRM BRM BRMMMMMMMMM – “She came.”

7. If there were morning activities.
Our crew will know if we had s’more s3x the morning after INSTANTLY, we don’t even have to tell them. When we show up to our homie’s crib on a Saturday to watch college football at noon, and the sh*t-eating grin on our faces doesn’t fade by halftime – it’s a pretty safe bet we got laid.

8. How much noise you made.
Not in a bad way, more in an exploratory way. s3x noises are an extremely curious topic. We’re clearly going to extrapolate your s3xual symphonies after doing the nasty.

Some ladies sound like Sharapova ripping a huge forehand winner. For others, it’s more like a panting hound. Sometimes it’s like a potpourri of different sounds made by Michael Jackson while dancing. Those are everyone’s favorite.
9. Something about your @ss…

I’ll leave this one pretty vague. There isn’t really one set thing about your @ss that we’ll habitually comment on, it’s just sort of the “Reader’s Digest” version of our interpretation.

A helpful comparison would be wine tasting. There are a lot of the same components in play. Shape, complexion, legs, aroma and even aftertaste – if things go from 0 to 100, real quick.